Finding Pleasure After Assault

The path to recovery after sexual abuse is one that cannot be defined in absolute terms. It differs for each person. Survivors of sexual assault often face unique challenges in reclaiming their sense of pleasure, intimacy, and connection with their bodies. The journey toward healing is deeply personal, nonlinear, and often accompanied by feelings of fear, guilt, and detachment. However, it is possible to reconnect with pleasure in a way that feels safe, empowering, and on your own terms.

The Trauma Response at Work

Sexual assault can leave lasting emotional and physiological imprints. Many survivors experience dissociation, numbness, or even aversion to touch and intimacy. These responses are not signs of "brokenness"—they are natural defense mechanisms that helped protect you during and after the trauma.

What we have learned from survivors of sexual trauma is that the brain and body are incredibly adaptive and will rely on these survival strategies—flight, fight, freeze, submit, and attach—to stay alive. During times of intrusion and violation our bodies and minds find ways to distance from the overwhelm in order to continue living life as usual.

The nervous system plays a significant role in how we process pleasure. When trauma occurs, the body may remain in a heightened state of alertness, making it difficult to feel safe, relaxed, or receptive to pleasure. Recognizing that these responses are part of your body’s survival instinct can be a crucial step in self-compassion and healing.

Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Pleasure

Surviving sexual abuse in childhood or adulthood, can impact the behaviors we observe in our current intimate relationships. It is not uncommon for survivors to feel unsafe in relationships that appear safe and secure. Another common experience is to feel incredibly anxious or overwhelmed when you are having consensual sex. Our bodies can be remembering a threat that our mind cannot fully understand or that may not make sense to us. This could look like dissociating (disconnecting from one’s body) during consensual sex, feeling a need to use substances when having sex, denying the abuse to yourself and others, fighting with a partner even when you want to be close, isolating, submitting, crying for help, or acting out in relationships.  

If you are a survivor and reading this, you may have asked yourself recently, what can I gain from healing? Is there a way to feel differently in my body? How can sex be more fulfilling and less triggering? How can I restore trust in myself and others? You may be ready to move past those survival responses and have more choice in how you experience sex and pleasure.

Reconnecting with Your Body in a Safe and Gentle Way

Healing from sexual trauma is not about forcing yourself to feel pleasure—it’s about creating a sense of safety within your own body.

Some gentle ways to reconnect with yourself include:

• Mindful Touch: Exploring touch in a way that feels non-threatening, such as running your fingers through your hair, applying lotion, or using soft fabrics against your skin.
• Breathwork and Grounding Exercises: Practicing deep breathing, meditation, or yoga can help regulate your nervous system and promote relaxation.
• Movement and Sensory Awareness: Activities like stretching, dancing, or walking barefoot can help re-establish a connection with bodily sensations in a way that feels safe.

The goal is not to rush into physical intimacy but rather to build a foundation of trust with yourself.

Challenging Shame and Guilt

Finding a way to feel empowered with sex can be a difficult task to take on alone. The work requires discussing subjects that have been off-limits: childhood sexual abuse, rape and sex. Our society wants to deny or ignore that sexual abuse because it requires that we look at uncomfortable truths about sexual abuse: that abusers are usually family members or friends.  One in three girls and one in six boys experience childhood sexual abuse, and every 68 seconds an American is assaulted (RAINN).  The avoidance of this issue can lead survivors to internalize even more shame, keep secrets, remain silent. It is incredibly powerful to break silence about your assault or abuse.

There are many traditions in our culture that prohibit or discourage women, bodies of color, and trans bodies to express their sexual needs with sovereignty of self, boundaries, and empowerment. Narratives about sex that reinforce submission (not the fun/consensual kind), negativity, secrecy, and shame provide further harm for survivors of abuse. Additionally, we can all benefit from receiving information about sex that is sex-positive and comprehensive. As much as we see sex in the media and in advertising, we are not talking about it in ways that can actually benefit most people. As you embark on your healing sex journey, you may want to seek out trusted community members, friends, support/therapy groups or a therapist who is informed and sex-positive. It is important to heal from sexual abuse in an environment that is sexually affirming, safe, and free of judgement.

Redefining Intimacy and Desire

Restoring safety and empowerment after childhood sexual abuse requires collective healing and support from healthy relationships. The abuse did not happen in isolation and cannot be restored in isolation. We need each other to heal.  This is probably one of the most important takeaways from trauma-informed work.  It is not your job to carry this shame anymore, alone, isolated, and afraid. You were coerced and manipulated, likely by someone you trusted. You are deserving of safe relationships to examine that which has not been seen, heard, or felt before.

You Deserve Healing and Pleasure on Your Own Terms

Finding pleasure and being present in your body during sex is possible. It can take time to work through the survival mechanisms your body assumed during trauma to keep you alive. Most people find relief in talking about sex and finding safe ways to process their trauma. Working with a sex-positive therapist who has training in sexual abuse, somatics (mind-body therapy), and/or trauma can be a safe and contained place to continue the healing journey. You deserve intimacy, pleasure, and safety in your body and with others.

Healing from sexual trauma is a deeply personal journey, and finding pleasure again should happen at your pace, in your way. There is no shame in taking time to rebuild trust with your body and emotions.



If you're struggling with reconnecting to yourself, therapy can offer a compassionate space to explore these challenges. Maliyah Coye Counseling provides trauma-informed support to help you heal, release shame, and rediscover pleasure in a way that feels safe and empowering. You are worthy of joy, connection, and healing—reach out today to begin your journey.

If you're reading this and would like more resources please visit generationfive.org/resources/child-abuse-resources or reach out for free 15 min therapy consultation